#hum

Muurp," muurped Edwart. ↗

— The Harvard Lampoon

#humor

Have you ever spent days and days and days making up flavors of ice cream that no one's ever eaten before? Like chicken and telepone ice cream? Green mouse ice cream was the worst. I didn't like that at all. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#ice-cream #humor

Decent people have too much respect for others to be overachievers. ↗

— Bauvard

#decency #funny #humor #funny

If we have to be cat burglars, I'm going to see what' to steal in the fridge." We're trying to find evidence she's the poisoner. Just a thought before you start putting random things in your mouth." Ruth shrugged and walked past Val. ↗

— Holly Black

#humor

I'd sooner wear white shoes in February, drink unsweetened tea, and eat Miracle Whip instead of Duke's than utter the words 'you guys'. ↗

— Celia Rivenbark

#southern #y-all #humor

Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor #killing #los-angeles #new-york-city #subways

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with. ↗

— George Carlin

#joe-pesci #prayer #religion #humor

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor #humor

No, I really did. I walked into that room and saw the hottest, sexiest guy I've ever seen - wet and half naked. And I said, "Ewww." I know. How am I still single, right? ↗

— Nicole Christie

#humor

Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys. ↗

— George R.R. Martin

#a-storm-of-swords #game-of-thrones #humor #humorous-quotes #jaime-lannister