#hum

The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.   ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#giving #greed #greedy #humor #receive

You're an investigator - can't nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street. ↗

— Steve Harvey

#humor

Principled hate is a hell of a lot stronger than "Boy, I wish you hadn't mummified me and thrown me into the lake" hate. ↗

— John Green

#humor #humor

She wondered if it was her stupid mother, the goddess of love, messing with her thoughts. If Piper started getting urges to read fashion magazines, she was going to have to find Aphrodite and smack her. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor

I glanced up to see Liz and smiled. "Thank you." "I just went along for the ride. After that happened-" She waved at Derek. "You know how blind people need Seeing Eye dogs? Well, apparently werewolves could really use Opening Door poltergeists. ↗

— Kelley Armstrong

#seeing-dogs #humor

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything. ↗

— Dave Barry

#plumbers #time #humor

If you need help bark like a dog." - Gendry. "That's stupid. If I need help I'll shout help." - Arya ↗

— George R.R. Martin

#bark #dog #gendry #help #humor

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. ↗

— W.C. Fields

#drinking #humor #humor

Because sometimes you just have to dance like a madman in the Self-Help section of your local bookstore. ↗

— David Levithan

#humor #humor

Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, retired at the end of last year in order to enjoy more time with his remaining limbs. ↗