#hum

When one thing takes another away, what do we call that?” she asked my class. “Homicide!” I called out ↗

— Chris Colfer

#humor

A conclusion is the place you get to when you’re tired of thinking. ↗

— Jill Shalvis

#thinking #humor

It was all I could do to not knock him down right there in front of Asher and climb on him. If I stunned him with a frying pan first, he might not struggle too much.… ↗

— Cate Tiernan

#humor

Runny's Nicpic One day Runny Babbit Met little Franny Fog. He said, "Let's have a nicpic Down by the lollow hog." He brought some cutter bookies, Some teanuts and some pea. And what did Franny Fog bring? Her whole fog framily. ↗

— Shel Silverstein

#humor

I never asked my mother where babies came from but I remember clearly the day she volunteered the information....my mother called me to set the table for dinner. She sat me down in the kitchen, and under the classic caveat of 'loving each other very, very much,' explained that when a man and a woman hug tightly, the man plants a seed in the woman. The seed grows into a baby. Then she sent me to the pantry to get placemats. As a direct result of this conversation, I wouldn't hug my father for two months. ↗

— Sloane Crosley

#parents #sex #humor

I don't get why prom is like a mini-wedding these days...No one should spend that kind of money for a high school dance. ↗

— Deb Caletti

#humor

Anybody who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. ↗

— Leo Rosten

#children #humor #w-c-fields #humor

For every girl there is a guy out there waiting for you. But dont worry you will find your Prince in Shining Armor For every guy they are three girls looking forwards to finding you waiting. And when one of them find you, wether or not you like shes been looking for a long time and you better be a Prince in Shining Armor by then. So ladies you better pick up the pace you have two other girls looking for the same guy you are! And guys if your not a Prince in Shining Armor by then well... Good luck with that one ↗

— Kaleb Firestone

#humor

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor

It was like there was some parallel universe we all vanished off to where we had all this sex. ↗

— Kazuo Ishiguro

#kathy #parallel #sex #universe #humor