#hum

If vampires ever spend less time playing theatrics and living down to their stereotypes, they might actually take over the world someday ↗

— Carrie Vaughn

#humor

Dennis looked at the puppy in the window. We both did. It was the oddest thing. Normally, puppies in pet store windows sleep or pee or roll around on top of other dogs. This one ignored us its window-mates and was instead sitting with its nose pressed against the glass, looking at us with an extremely serious little expression on its face. An expression that seemed to me to be saying, "I am a sacred cow. Get out your wallet. ↗

— Augusten Burroughs

#humor

Hank: As unbelievable as you may find this, Scott, we can do some things without your guidance. Warren: You're right, Hank! Why, did you know I went to the bathroom this morning- Hank: Not without Scott! Warren: Yes! ↗

— Jeff Parker

#x-men #humor

So hey, once Joshua heals your brother, you want to go do something, get some pomegranate juice, a falafel,or get married or something? ↗

— Christopher Moore

#humor #humor

It's human nay-cha...For me to sperminay-cha. ↗

— Megan McCafferty

#humor

Tad socked him. Hard. Twice. Someday the bad guys would realize monologues were a bad thing. ↗

— Vivian Arend

#humor

You will be so dead, dear Sister. Make telpon dari tadi kayak Kroasia ada di sebelah Jakarta aja. Huahahaha ↗

— Sitta Karina

#comedy #humor #humor

Do good, get good; do bad, pay for it. ↗

— Raymond Garvey

#good #hanilol #humor #pay #humor

Stamp: "Fine Maddy, Whatever. Take your little punk loser to the dance. I don't need you, Maddy. I can ask two dozen, three dozen chicks right now to go with me." Maddy: "Well then," I guess you better start stocking up on corsages. ↗

— Rusty Fischer

#maddy #stamp #humor

Zip it kiddo. Don't ever admit you know a thing about cooking or it'll be used against you later in life. ↗

— Rebecca Wells

#humor #humor