#ian

Nate had been born and raised in British Columbia, and Canadians hate, above all things, to offend. It was part of the national consciousness. "Be polite" was an unwritten, unspoken rule, but ingrained into the psyche of an entire country. (Of course, as with any rule, there were exceptions: parts of Quebec, where people maintained the "dismissive to the point of confrontation, with subsequent surrender" mind-set of the French; and hockey, in which any Canadian may, with impunity, slam, pummel, elbow, smack, punch, body-check, and beat the shit out of, with sticks, any other human being, punctuated by profanities, name-calling, questioning parentage, and accusations of bestiality, usually-coincidentally- in French.) ↗

— Christopher Moore

#humor #whales #humor

Lissianna said, smacking Thomas in the arm. “What were you thinking? They don’t waltz here.” “I was thinking I didn’t want my uncle clasping my butt, and our chests rubbing together as he stepped on my feet while trying to shuffle me around the floor,” Thomas answered dryly. ↗

— Lynsay Sands

#lissianna #lucian #night-club #thomas #humor

The Christian notion of the possibility of redemption is incomprehensible to the computer. ↗

— Vance Packard

#computer #incomprehensible #notion #possibility #redemption

I don't see why I should bow my head when I could hold it high, or place it in the hands of my enemies when I can defeat them. ↗

— José Rizal

#humor #humor

When I was a kid," Orr replied, "I used to walk around all day with crab apples in my cheeks. One in each cheek." ... A minute passed. "Why?" [Yossarian] found himself forced to ask finally. Orr tittered triumphantly. "Because they're better than horse chestnuts... When I couldn't get crab apples," Orr continued, "I used horse chestnuts. Horse chestnuts are about the same size as crab apples and actually have a better shape, although the shape doesn't matter a bit." "Why did you walk around with crab apples in your cheeks?" Yossarian asked again. "That's what I asked." "Because they've got a better shape than horse chestnuts," Orr answered. "I just told you that." "Why," swore Yossarian at him approvingly, "you evil-eyed, mechanically aptituded, disaffiliated son of a bitch, did you walk around with anything in your cheeks?" "I didn't," Orr said, "walk around with anything in my cheeks. I walked around with crab applies in my cheeks. When I couldn't get crab apples I walked around with horse chestnuts. In my cheeks. ↗

— Joseph Heller

#humor

I can count all the lovers I've had on one hand...if I'm holding a calculator. ↗

— Sebastian Horsley

#humor #lovers #sebastian-horsley #sex #humor

Maybe you can explain to me what is so spectacular about her, because you gay girls can’t seem to keep your hands off that daffy redhead. ↗

— Cassandra Duffy

#lesbian #humor

If you find an Australian indoors, it's a fair bet that he will have a glass in his hand. ↗

— Jonathan Aitken

#bet #fair #find #glass #hand

That's brilliant." "I thought so. But I'm glad you agree. It will make this journey much more pleasant if you are impressed with my brilliance. ↗

— Sarah Beth Durst

#humor #humor

Who knows, my friend? Maybe the sword does have some magic. Personally, I think it's the warrior who wields it. ↗

— Brian Jacques

#humor #magic #squire-julian #warrior #humor