#ka

You have to tell him ‘go toodles, Bits, go toodles for momma,’” I said, pitching my voice high in imitation, “or else he won’t go.” Blane looked at me. “I’m not doing that,” he said flatly. “But then he’ll go on the bed,” I protested. “How about I just point my gun at him,” he deadpanned. ↗

— Tiffany A. Snow

#blane #humor #kathleen-turner #humor

He has artistry," he repeated. "Because that's what it takes to blow things up. And cook his arm. ↗

— Tamora Pierce

#humor #tamora-pierce #humor

It'd be great to be so famous that if I murder someone, I will never, ever, ever serve any jail time, even if it's totally obvious to everyone that I did it. ↗

— Mindy Kaling

#fame #humor #kaling #mindy #murder

That is a considerable amount of puppets. But ... [Proceeds to summon one hundred puppets of his own] With this, I took down a whole country ↗

— Masashi Kishimoto

#humor #naruto #sasori #humor

The Beast Lord walked out of the warehouse. The screen went dark. My knight in furry armor. Saiman opened his mouth. "This is why I didn't. Personally, I think your smile is inappropriate. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#curran #humor #kate #humor

Self-doubt is a persuasive mistress; careful not to shag her or you’ll never get your balls back.” - Simon Hunt ↗

— Dannika Dark

#careful #dannika-dark #funny #humor #mageri

I feel like grabbing my crotch and checking to see if my balls are still there because I think they may be in her pocket and I need to get them back. ↗

— Katja Millay

#humor #josh-bennett #nastya-kashnikov #humor

My girlfriend is a party girl angel who can kick some arse and cook. ↗

— Wendy Higgins

#humor #kaidan #love #humor

Here's your first problem," he said, pointing at a sentence. "'Religion is the opium of the people.' Well, I don't know about people, but I think you'll find that the opium of pirates is actual opium. ↗

— Gideon Defoe

#humor #karl-marx #opium #pirates #humor

Overhead announcement at psychiatric hospital: Lithium is no longer available on credit. ↗

— Earl Mac Rauch

#humor #humor