#l

Grab life by the tail, and then pet it.
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— Jarod Kintz

#animal #funny #humor #life #love

It’s funny, really: the older you get, the more you know about the world. The synapses in your brain fire at a higher level and quicker function, your knowledge expands. But you lose part of yourself, that part able to imagine great armies that wait for nothing more than your command; the dragon that hides under your bed that only you can see, its long emerald tail flashing in the darkness; the ghost that lives in your attic that only moans at 3:23 in the morning. When you lose that innocence, the world’s hues become dark and muted, and you know that dragons aren’t real. There is no army. There is no ghost in the attic. But when you’re nine? When you’re nine, it’s all probable, it’s all realistic, and even more so, it’s all true. ↗

— T.J. Klune

#m-m #tj-klune #funny

I was thinking we could get a picture of you holding a pitchfork or something. Maybe a big wooden cross? Sound good?"(Brian) She stared at him. He lifted his hands and leaned back in his seat, as if he was afraid she might start spitting on him. "Hey, only joking." "Very funny." "Oh, I do love jokes." Greyson Dante stood by her side. "Hello, Mr. Dante. I'm afraid this is a private conversation, so you will, of course, be going now." His grin widened. Was there no way to insult the man? ↗

— Stacia Kane

#greyson #megan #personal-demons #stacia-kane #funny

The dawn blushed; not because it was embarrassed (that doesn’t even make sense), but because light bends funny. ↗

— Sean Kermes

#funny

When I’m lonely I stand in the corner and play my saxophone and feel sorry for myself. I would ask you to accompany me on the piano, but if I did that I wouldn’t be lonely, would I? And what’s the point of a saxophone if not to celebrate despair?
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— Jarod Kintz

#celebrate #celebration #despair #funny #humor

A brick could be used to increase your annual sales. But before you can sell, you’ve got to buy. For just $9.99 I’ll show you how a common brick can transform you into an uncommon salesman. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #buy

The maimings of love are endlessly funny.... ↗

— Gilbert Sorrentino

#funny

In an out-of-body experience, your astral projection comes down to gloat. In insanity, your mind goes to a nudist colony. In philanthropy, your soul ascends to purgatory. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #insanity #philanthropy #experience

A blanket could be used to cure the common cold. I mean, come on it’s just common sense. A blanket is warm, and if a cold is what it’s named, then a blanket would transform a cold into some nameless nonentity. Take that, Louis Pasteur. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A brick could be used to divide two people, and then conquer both of them.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny