#l

She handed him a glass of water and two Aleve gelcaps. “They’re anti-inflammatories. They will dull the pain a little bit and keep down swelling and redness. Swallow the pills, don’t chew.” “Well, I thought I’d stick them into my nose and impersonate a walrus, but if you insist, I’ll swallow them. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#funny #medicine #rose #funny

Never met such a Gorgon . . . I don't really know what a Gorgon is like, but I am quite sure that Lady Bracknell is one. In any case, she is a monster, without being a myth, which is rather unfair. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#funny

I don’t need love. I live in a forest. The quiet is my companion. The cold is my warmth. My heart once suffered from frostbite, but I removed and replaced it with a fuel pump. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#love #funny

No,” Shane said. “I’m not leaving you two here alone. We stick together.” “I’m still not kissing you,” Michael said. “Tease. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#michael #shane #funny

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back. ↗

— Bauvard

#hair #humor #morale #morals #funny

An anniversary is the perfect time to celebrate all the missed opportunities to correct a mistake, and even take vows to renew it. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #love #marital-vows #funny

When I hear Jazz, my first instinct is to lean over to the guy next to me and whisper, "Fourth floor, please. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #jazz #music #funny

Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #husband #providing #funny

Is he dead?" he inquired "He looks dead." "No," snapped Maryse. "He's not dead." "Have you checked? I could kick him if you want." Mangus moved toward Jace. "Stop that!" the Inquisitor snapped, sounding like Clary's third grade teacher demanding that she stop dooling on her desk with a marker. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#dead #funny #jace-lightwood #magnus-bane #the-inquisitor

Claire found herself staring at his feet, which were in bunny slippers. Myrnin looked down. "What?" he asked. "They're quite comfortable." He lifted on to look at it, and the ears wobbled in the air. "Of course they are," she said. Just when she thought Myrnin was getting his mental act together, he'd do something like that. Or maybe he was just messing with her. He liked to do that, and his dark eyes were fixed on her now, assessing just how weirded-out she was. Which, on the grade scale of zero to Myrnin, wasn't much. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny #lol #morganville-vampires #vamps #funny