#les

It turns out, Holder doesn’t have an issue with Mormons at all. He just has an issue with assholes. ↗

— Colleen Hoover

#colleen-hoover #dean-holder #funny #hopeless #sky-and-holder

Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time. ↗

— Bauvard

#healing #humor #injuries #scars #wrinkles

The only way to tell a fable is to introduce a human. The only way to tell a proverb is to introduce your grandfather. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #proverbs #funny

A brick could be used to increase your annual sales. But before you can sell, you’ve got to buy. For just $9.99 I’ll show you how a common brick can transform you into an uncommon salesman. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #buy

I think I'm supposed to "take a sad song and make it better," but that's beyond my musical ability ↗

— Sophia Bennett

#funny-and-random #music #funny

Ladies and gentleman," he said over the speakers, "welcome aboard this recently liberated Gulfstream V. If I could have your attention for just a few moments, I'd like to go over the safety features of this aircraft. It has an engine, to make us go, and wings, to keep us in the air. There are seatbelts, which won't do you an awful lot of good if we fly into the side of a mountain. ↗

— Derek Landy

#craft #fly #funny #malifecent #plane

Scully-' 'I screwed up.' Her hands again. 'Damnit, I screwed up.' 'Nope' [Mulder] said... 'If I was dead, then you would have screwed up.' She saw the grin. 'Then I'd have to haunt you.' 'Mulder that's not funny.' 'But you don't believe in ghosts and goblins... ↗

— Charles Grant

#funny

What was that?” I croaked. Akhol sidestepped into my view and towered over us. “It was a Demon.” “But you said—” “I know what I said,” Akhol cut in sharply, rubbing his eyes. “There was something wrong with it. Like the Demon had adapted to the darkness and water.” I shivered. “Did he have a ring that he called ‘my precious’?” I joked to try and lighten the mood. I didn’t get a good look at the Demon, but my mind had no problems picturing Gollum. They stared at me blankly. ↗

— Laura Kreitzer

#joke #timeless-series #funny

Laura's problem was that she kept casting men in roles they weren't suited for. Like lovely Josh, casting him in the role of decent, kind house-husband, the perfect partner, the modern male, when - what was it that she'd actually loved about him, really? Laura tried to think, and couldn't come up with an answer. He was a great man - kind, funny, clever, hard working - but there was no way he was the man for her, she realised now. Why hadn't she seen it? ↗

— Harriet Evans

#funny

Excellent posture is the most important personality trait in an effective salesman. It allows him to pass for a vertebrate. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #personality #posture #salesmen #vertebrates