#m

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who? ↗

— Jay London

#acute #compared #doctor #had #i

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger. ↗

— Jay London

#bought #enough #finger #fingers #give

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless. ↗

— Jay London

#gear #get #him #i #me

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality. ↗

— Jay London

#bought #down #fit #girlfriend #jacket

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese. ↗

— Jay London

#family #intolerant #pictures #say #take

People read me but they don't subscribe. ↗

— Jay London

#people #read #subscribe

I can't deal with high maintenance chicks. ↗

— Jeremy London

#deal #high #high maintenance #i #maintenance

I used to be a hopeless romantic - I fell in love with everyone I went out with. ↗

— Jeremy London

#everyone #fell #hopeless #hopeless romantic #i

I can't stand girls who laugh at everything I say like I'm the funniest guy in the world. I like girls who tell it like it is, no kissing up to me because I'm on TV. ↗

— Jeremy London

#everything #funniest #guy #i #kissing

I don't like characters that are left being jerks at the end of the movie. ↗

— Jeremy London

#characters #end #i #jerks #left