#mo

Discretion prevented me from saying that I thought she was a fiend from the underworld and that mountain lions couldn't force me to enter her service. ↗

— Megan Whalen Turner

#humor #humor

Since I came to the White House, I've gotten two hearing aids, had a colon operation, a prostate operation, skin cancer, and I've been shot...damn thing is, I've never felt better. ↗

— Ronald Reagan

#operation #humor

Wow, she doesn't have any bones. Like, at all. Where the f*ck are her bones? Am I still drunk? Did I sleep with a blow-up doll? Again? I pealed my eyes open one at a time so the rays of sun shining in the room wouldn't make me go blind. Once my eyes adjusted to the light, I looked down and groaned. Nope, not drunk, just hugging a pillow. ↗

— Tara Sivec

#seduction-and-snacks #tara-sivec #humor

Are there any religions on your list that include the slaughter of noblemen as a holy duty? ↗

— Brandon Sanderson

#humor #religion #humor

When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub. ↗

— Louis C.K.

#humor

I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's nothing wrong with suckin' dicks. Men do it, women do it; can't be all bad if everybody's doin' it. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! That's my advice. I'm here to help. ↗

— George Carlin

#fellatio #humor #oral-sex #humor

have you ever seen a genius out there looking for a job? it's the saddest thing in the world. no one will hire him. there is only one place where he is always welcome- at the bottom. ↗

— Henry Miller

#humor

Bibliomancy: "Divination by jolly well Looking It Up. ↗

— Marilyn Johnson

#humor

Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't. ↗

— Jane Seabrook

#inspirational #humor

Why do humans never do as they're told? Someone should replace you all with robots. No, on second though, they shouldn't, bad idea. ↗

— Jonathan Morris

#doctor-who #humor #science-fiction #humor