#mo

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor

Is 'tired old cliché' one? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

Jehovah's Witness are welcomed into my home...You gotta respect anybody who gets all dressed up in Sunday clothes and goes door-to-door on days so hot their high heels sink a half-inch into the pavement. The trick is to do all the talking yourself. Pretty soon, they'll look at their watches and say, 'Speaking of end times, wouldja look at what time it is now! ↗

— Celia Rivenbark

#religion #humor

Really, I scolded myself, you should have known that you'd end up in a stone dungeon with no facilities. That's how these things always end up, isn't it? ↗

— Lilith Saintcrow

#kidnapped #humor

I love it when my justifications for avoiding housework are actually legitimate. ↗

— Julie Kenner

#humor #humor

I don't speak fluent bumpkin... ↗

— Patrick Rothfuss

#humor

Hey there. Here's something familiar, a bat. Hope you like it. ↗

— Koushun Takami

#humor

I was eating a steak at a local restaurant last night, when a random woman said: "Y'know, you'd be much better off being a vegetarian." "Are you crazy?" I said, "The cow was a vegetarian and look what happened to it! ↗

— Quentin R. Bufogle

#vegetarianism #humor

I pulled out my cell, flipped it opened and said Hank’s name into the phone. It rang twice. “You okay?” he asked in greeting. “My life began when I met you,” I told him. There was a beat of silence. Then, I heard him say, “Sunshine – ↗

— Kristen Ashley

#romance #humor

Ironic, isn’t it?” Shawn said. “It’s not ironic at all,” Gus said. “Dude, it’s so like a black fly in your chardonnay.” “How many times do I have to tell you that’s not ironic, either?” “Rain on your wedding day?” “‘Irony’ is the use of words to convey a meaning that’s opposite to their literal meaning,” Gus said. “That stupid song came out fourteen years ago, and we still have this exact conversation at least once a week.” “Yeah,” Shawn said. “Ironic, isn’t it? ↗

— William Rabkin

#humor #irony #pysch #shawn-spencer #humor