#mo

If you have ever opened a can of worms, boxed yourself into a corner, ended up in hot water, or found yourself in a pretty pickle, you already know that life is rarely (if ever) just a bowl of cherries. ↗

— Maryrose Wood

#humor

I thought bridesmaid's dresses were supposed to be horrid and ugly to make the bride more stunning," I joked to her in a whisper. "Yeah right, you marry a gorgeous actor and you want me to show up in a Goodwill special? No way sister! There are bound to be other single, gorgeous actors around, and I intend to land one of them for myself. Or get laid at the very least."... ↗

— Chasta Schneider

#humor #wedding #humor

Oh dear. I have just seen Angus hunkering down in the long grass. He's stalking their poodle. I'll have to intervene to avert a massacre. Oh, it's OK, Mrs. Next Door has thrown a brick at him. ↗

— Louise Rennison

#humor

Just roll me in fairy dust and call me a unicorn. ↗

— Lita Burke

#fairy #humor #steampunk #unicorn #wizard

That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#humor

It's a crime to be that hot and yet, that evil. ↗

— E.C. Newman

#nick #nick-birch #phase #humor

Because that’s where I keep my Great Big Book of Manners by Emily Post and I want to beat you with it. ↗

— Susan Bischoff

#humor

And in the fountain squatted a giant crab. I’m not talking ‘giant’ like $7.99 all-you-can-eat Alaskan king crab. I’m talking ‘giant’ like bigger than the fountain. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor

Make me proud today, Robmeister. Keep your hands to yourself and remember rule number one above all things.' 'Don't discuss politics.' 'No, the other one.' Robbie nods. 'Don't eat glue.' He drops his chin. 'It's my weakness. ↗

— Jenny B. Jones

#humor #politics #robbie #humor

The spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. ↗

— David Mitchell

#humor #humor