#off

Before he sat down, my internal heat-seekers sensed what was coming my way: deep blue eyes that melted girls like Velveeta in a microwave. I tried to resist those microwave eyes, but sometimes there's no defense against them. I had a feeling I'd be seeing him weeping over my coffin later that night. ↗

— Natalie Standiford

#humor #microwaves #natalie-standiford #humor

She didn't know what Liam made his coffee with, but it had to be magical sparkles and crack beans, because it was the most delicious stuff she'd ever tasted. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#humor #humor

The joke was that President Bush only declared war when Starbucks was hit. You can mess with the U.N. all you want, but when you start interfering with the right to get caffeinated, someone has to pay. ↗

— Chris Kyle

#american #bush #caffeine #coffee #humor

A morning coffee is my favorite way of starting the day, settling the nerves so that they don't later fray. ↗

— Marcia Carrington

#habits #human-nature #humor #morning #humor

Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous. ↗

— Chris Rock

#famous #i #offer #only #parts

I ran spotlight. Swept up. Did box office. Ran the lighting board. But acting was the most fun. ↗

— Tim Robbins

#board #box #box office #did #fun

I have a message for your daughter,” said Cale. “I am bound to her with cables that not even God can break. One day, if there is a soft breeze on her cheek, it may be my breath; one night, if the cool wind plays with her hair, it may be my shadow passing by.” And with this terrible threat he faced forward and the procession started once more. In less than a minute they were gone. In her shady room Arbell Swan-Neck stood white and cold as alabaster. ↗

— Paul Hoffman

#arbell #bound #break #breath #breeze

Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales was expected to clock in at anywhere between 100 and 120 chapters. Unfortunately, the dude only managed to finish 24 tales before he suffered an insurmountable and permanent state of writer's block commonly known as death. ↗

— Jacopo della Quercia

#cracked #death #geoffrey-chaucer #humor #death

Today, a couple with 'just married' tags collided head-on with a hearse carrying two coffins in the back, both of a married couple that had previously died in a car accident. ↗

— Anthony Liccione

#bad-marriage #coffin #couple #curse #death

You’ll need coffee shops and sunsets and road trips. Airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but people more than anything else. You will need other people and you will need to be that other person to someone else, a living breathing screaming invitation to believe better things. ↗

— Jamie Tworkowski

#airplanes #believe #better #coffee #love