#om

I'm not the one going for a biology degree. I'm just a philosophy major who eats people. ↗

— Scott Westerfeld

#funny #humor #parasites #vampires #zombies

Perfect,” he groaned. “You are perfect.” He sank his teeth into her ass, hard, drawing blood. “And now you wear my mark,” he finished proudly. “Your ass is mine. ↗

— Hanna Lui

#erotic-literature #erotic-romance #erotica #funny #humor

The only activity a cynic will find contagious is yawning, that is, with other people, at other people. ↗

— Criss Jami

#bore #boredom #boring #contagious #cynic

Hopeless and helpless doth AEgeon wend, But to procrastinate his lifeless end. ↗

— William Shakespeare

#procrastination

I hate stand-up comics; I think funny is something you are, not something you desperately try to be in front of a roomful of obnoxious people. ↗

— Peter Cameron

#funny

Lepida, has anyone ever told you that you're a cruel spiteful selfish slut?...You're vicious. You're unprincipled. You mistreat your slaves and abuse your daughter. And furthermore you're the worst, most neglectful, most criminal wife in Rome. I think we can go now. ↗

— Kate Quinn

#comeback #funny #insult #kate-quinn #mistress-of-rome

You really think love needs to have a future?” “Absolutely.” “Good,” Lily said. “So do I.” “Good,” I echoed, leaning in. “So do you.” “Don’t repeat what I say,” she told me, swatting at my arm. “Don’t repeat what I say,” I murmured, smiling. “You’re being silly,” she said, but the silliness was falling out of her voice. “You’re being silly,” I assured her. “Lily is the greatest girl who ever was.” I drew closer. “Lily is the greatest girl who ever was.” For a moment, I think we’d forgotten where we were. And then the officers returned, and we were reminded once again. ↗

— David Levithan

#romantic #swoony #funny

I'd be vegetarian if bacon grew on trees ↗

— Matt Groening

#homer-simpson-quotes #humor #humor

I am convinced that grandkids are inherently evil people who tell their grandparents to "just go to the library and open up an e-mail account - it's free and so simple. ↗

— Scott Douglas

#libraries #seniors #librarians

I do not ask the wounded person how he feels, I myself become the wounded person. ↗

— Walt Whitman

#empathy #empathy