#or

We gotta keep you alive, Zoey. Not just casue we love you more than white bread, but cause you have to save the world. ↗

— P.C.Cast

#humor

Any time I’m not shooting my mouth off to a clichéd, two-bit creature of the night like you, it’s because I’m up to something. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #humor

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course. ↗

— Hank Aaron

#golf #humor #sports #humor

I'm not really sure what makes a book a 'classic' to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end. ↗

— Jeff Kinney

#humor #humor

I don't want unnecessary violence, sergeant," said Blouse. "Right you are, sir!" said the sergeant. "Carborundum! First man comes through that door runnin', I want him nailed to the wall!" He caught the lieutenant's eye, and added: "But not too hard! ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#military #violence #humor

It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake. ↗

— Garrison Keillor

#humor #humor

Then he reached up and tore my shirtfront open. "Not much to see, is there?" I said, struggling to talk with a crushed windpipe. "I know, I know, they can fix things like that these days. Call me a feminist, but I think a woman's worth should be defined not by the size of her bust, but - " I rammed my fist up into his Adam's apple. He grunted and stumbled back. "- by the strength of her right hook. ↗

— Kelley Armstrong

#humor

If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you? ↗

— Garrison Keillor

#humor

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#humor #toilet-tissue #humor

I am miracle ingredient Z-247. I'm immense. I'm a real, slam-bang, honest-to-goodness, three-fisted humdinger. I'm a bona fide supraman. ↗

— Joseph Heller

#humor