#or

I'm only one kill away from Command Assassin. Be a damn shame for that kill to be you" (Darion) ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#humor

Why can't I just Google it like everything else?! I hate you public library system! ↗

— Vera Brosgol

#library #teen #humor

You worked every day to earn what's on the table, literally. It was a week-to-week thing. And I wouldn't change it. I would not change it for anything. ↗

— Scott Brooks

#change #day #earn #every #every day

You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help. ↗

— Bill Watterson

#humor

Went to Jude's party tonight in a tight little black dress to show off figure feeling v. full of myself... ... There's nothing worse than people telling you you looked tired. They might as well have done with it and say you look like five kinds of shit. ↗

— Helen Fielding

#humor

A few dud universes can really clutter up your basement. ↗

— Neal Stephenson

#philosophy #humor

Stop," Kincaid said in a calm voice. "Unclench." "Unclench what?" Murphy demanded. "Unclench your ass." "Excuse me?" "You're going to trip the beam. You need another quarter inch. Relax." "I am relaxed," Murphy growled. "Oh," Kincaid said. "Damn, great ass then. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #humor

Millard! Who's the prime minister?" "Winston Churchill," he said. "Have you gone daft?" "What's the capital of Burma?" "Lord, I've no idea. Rangoon?" "Good! When's your birthday?" "Will you quit shouting and let me bleed in peace! ↗

— Ransom Riggs

#humor

If we assume that man actually does resemble God, then we are forced into the impossible theory that God is a coward, an idiot and a bounder. ↗

— H.L. Mencken

#humor #humor

Survival instincts are one of those things that never die. ↗

— Kiersten White

#humor