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In 1945, peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in 1950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.


Graham Chapman


#humor

I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.


Woody Allen


#humor

Oh contraire, mon frère. I’m able to annoy all adults in ten syllables or less. Sometimes, I don’t even have to speak at all. I just walk into the room and it rankles them.


Sherrilyn Kenyon


#humor

I prefer to make up my own quotes and attribute them to very smart people, so that I can use them to win arguments


Albert Einstein


#lies #snark #humor

Miss Bridgerton,” he said, “the devil himself couldn’t scare you.” She forced her eyes to meet his. “That’s not a compliment, is it?” He lifted her hand to his lips, brushing a feather-light kiss across her knuckles. “You’ll have to figure that out for yourself,” he murmured. To all who observed, he was the soul of propriety, but Hyacinth caught the daring gleam in his eye, and she felt the breath leave her body as tingles of electricity rushed across her skin. Her lips parted, but she had nothing to say, not a single word. There was nothing but air, and even that seemed in short supply. And then he straightened as if nothing had happened and said, “Do let me know what you decide.” She just stared at him. “About the compliment,” he added. “I am sure you will wish to let me know how I feel about you.” Her mouth fell open. He smiled. Broadly. “Speechless, even. I’m to be commended.” “You—” “No. No,” he said, lifting one hand in the air and pointing toward her as if what he really wanted to do was place his finger on her lips and shush her. “Don’t ruin it. The moment is too rare.


Julia Quinn


#humor #romance #humor

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.


Ashleigh Brilliant


#humor #funny

Everything rests on the poisoned wine. If it were just the queen, I could force it down her gullet, but Declan Broekhart would run me through with that damned ceremonial sword, and if his wife's stares were daggers, he'd be dead already.


Eoin Colfer


#humor #humor

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.


Woody Allen


#humor #school #humor

His tiny, naked butt disappeared into the stream as he cried, "Wheeeee! Balls out!" I think that's a rugby reference," Bertie said. "But don't quote me on that.


Lisa Mantchev


#humor #mustardseed #humor

If you can find one good thing to say about her I'll turn vegetarian!


L.J. Smith


#humor






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