#or

I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell" all the time. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #leather #new-car-smell #strange

Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?' --Lin If you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!' --Ed ↗

— Hiromu Arakawa

#funny #humor #funny

Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#dumbledore #funny #the-philosopher-s-stone #funny

Ride?" Rhage snorted. "Please. That thing is a sewing machine with an air dam taped to it. My GTO could dust the fucker in fourth gear from a dead stop." When there was an odd sound from behind, John looked back. So did the three Brothers. "What." Xhex bristled and crossed her arms over her chest. "I can laugh, you know. And that's . . . pretty damn funny." Rhage beamed. "I knew I liked you. ↗

— J.R. Ward

#funny

Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What's it spell? HEAD FUCK. - Jane ↗

— J.R. Ward

#humor #insane-in-the-membrane #funny

I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#embarrassing #fall #funny #humor #leaves

I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#alcohol #drinking #foreplay #funny #humor

Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes! ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#humor #funny

I want to be a cowboy, but only long enough to barge into a saloon and bellow, "Who's the yellowbelly that stole my happy trail? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cowboy #funny #happy-trail #humor #saloon

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #language #funny