#r

Hello, Bradley,' said Mom. She'd regained her composure after my outburst, and now raised her camera. 'Stand close.' 'No, Mom,' I said. 'No pictures.' 'But you're friend's here now,' she said, waving us together. 'Smile!' 'I don't need a picture with-' the flash snapped '-another guy. That's great, Mom, thank you. Send that one to Dad and tell him we're going steady. ↗

— Dan Wells

#hilarious #humor #john-cleaver #mom #pictures

I couldn't believe it. It was unbelievable, that's why. My face was like a frozen fish finger. All rigid and pale. (But obviously not with breadcrumbs on it.) ↗

— Louise Rennison

#humor

You're one of those guys who can make a party just by leaving it. It's a great gift. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor

Well, I would have struck him, but I would have had to get up. You have no notion how difficult it is to arrange skirts when sitting down; it took me five minutes together the first time. ↗

— Naomi Novik

#humor

...I want to grab her collarbones as if they were handlebars. ↗

— Joe Dunthorne

#humor #oliver-tate #humor

I thought you'd be better at this." "Why?" Bridget shrugged. "'Cause your dad's a cop." "Right," Matt said, shifting his body so he wasn't blocking the light. "Why wouldn't he teach me Breaking and Entering 101?" Bridget stifled a yawn. "Might be helpful now." "Patience, grasshopper." Matt inserted a second metal prong into the lock. "I know a few tricks." Bridget heard a soft click, and Matt raised his eyebrows in an unspoken "I told you so" before twisting the handle. The door swung open. "Slick, MacGyver," Bridget whispered, patting him on the head. "Remind me to give you a cookie. ↗

— Gretchen McNeil

#humor

Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy "To go outside, and there perchance to stay Or to remain within: that is the question: Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather That Nature rains on those who roam abroad, Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet, And so by dozing melt the solid hours That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state A wish to venture forth without delay, Then when the portal's opened up, to stand As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep; To choose not knowing when we may once more Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball; For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob, Or work a lock or slip a window-catch, And going out and coming in were made As simple as the breaking of a bowl, What cat would bear the houselhold's petty plagues, The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom, The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears, The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks That fur is heir to, when, of his own will, He might his exodus or entrance make With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear, Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard, But that the dread of our unheeded cries And scraches at a barricaded door No claw can open up, dispels our nerve And makes us rather bear our humans' faults Than run away to unguessed miseries? Thus caution doth make house cats of us all; And thus the bristling hair of resolution Is softened up with the pale brush of thought, And since our choices hinge on weighty things, We pause upon the threshold of decision. ↗

— Henry N. Beard

#hamlet #humor #shakespeare #to-be-or-not-to-be #humor

An old love of my uncle's. Her name was Nott." "Not what?" "Nott. Just Nott." Mack waited as long as he could before asking, "Not what?" "Nott. That was he name. Nott." "Is that a joke?" Mack asked. "Like one of those 'not' jokes? Like if I said, 'I like your dress...not.'" "What's the matter with my dress?" Xiao asked, a little irritated. Leaning forward, Jarrah asked, "Not what?" "Not a what, a who," Mack explained to Jarrah. "Nothing!" he answered Xiao's question. "Okay, then," Jarrah said. "Not who?" "Are we there yet?" Stefan asked. "I think Nott was Shen Long's girlfriend," Mack yelled back to Jarrah. The wind was fierce and cold now that Shen Long was picking up speed. "Then what's this about nothing?" Jarrah asked. "It's not about nothing," Mack said. "It's about Nott." There was a moment or two of silence. Then Jarrah said, "You know, I could push you right off this dragon's back." Mack thought that over for a second or two then said, "I'd prefer you not. Heh. ↗

— Michael Grant

#humor

I hate you. You’re crazy. One minute you’re cool the next minute you’re throwing pointy objects at my head. Why would I ever want anything to do with you? You are the most insufferable bitch I have ever met!” Jackal yelled all the while looking straight into Mars’ eyes. She scowled taking a step forward, hissing, “Oh, I’m insufferable huh? You’re insufferable! You never say what you mean! The only reason I even bother with you is that I’m curious. And yes! Yes I am crazy. And I’d rather be crazy and say what I mean than keep everything in and pretend I’m something I’m not, to win approval! ↗

— L.M.N.

#bitter #humor #young-love #humor

So I'm all, "Owned! Bee-yatch! Dog fucking owned you!" Doing a minor booty dance of ownage, perhaps, in retrospect, a bit prematurely. (I believe hip-hop to be the apprpriate language for taunting, at least until I learn French.) ↗

— Christopher Moore

#humor