#rand

Nothing will go wrong,Micheal said soothingly. Me and you? We've been through to much together. And your too unpleasant to die.Too bossy.God will keep you down here for a while until you learn your lesson and start learning to work and play well with others. Now your talking.Will you go with me a week from Friday when I get my biopsy? Wild horses and an evil head nurse with rubber gloves couldn't keep me away. Now your just being gross. ↗

— Erica Orloff

#funny

A blanket could be used to cover Mt. Rushmore. But if you rush more, you’re going to rip the blanket in the same way that the very fabric of our democracy is torn.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Dave? This is John. Your pimp says bring the heroin shipment tonight, or he'll be forced to stick you. meet him where we buried the Korean whore. The one without the goatee." That was code. It meant "Come to my place as soon as you can, it's important. ↗

— David Wong

#funny #humor #random #funny

My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we fill the time with silence.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

A blanket could be used to stimulate the topographical terrain of a mountainous region. Kind of makes you feel like God, if you think about it.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A brick could be used in conjunction with another brick to be the Democrat and Republican Presidential candidates. People will say, Vote for the brick on the left, or, The brick on the right is better. But do not be deceived—they're both the same, and they're both bricks.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Every season has its peaks and valleys. What you have to try to do is eliminate the Grand Canyon. ↗

— Andy Van Slyke

#eliminate #every #grand #grand canyon #peaks

A brick could be used as a doorstop. But why bother? To promote an open-door policy, I had all the walls knocked down. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

If my semen had chunks of crumbled brick in it, would you use yogurt to try to impregnate your fireplace? 
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Bricks could be used as words in the saying of a mason. When words and actions match up, you have a structure people could live in. It's a lot to live up to, and a lot to live in.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny