#s

Not that smart. Not that hot. Not that nice. Not that funny. That's me: I'm not that. ↗

— John Green

#funny

If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down—or cheeks up. ↗

— Charlaine Harris

#sookie-eric #funny

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers. ↗

— Rodney Dangerfield

#humour #neighborhoods #funny

Inconceivable!" "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. ↗

— William Goldman

#funny #humor #movie #princess #funny

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got? ↗

— Bill Maher

#exes #facebook #funny #humor #internet

I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #job #manager #sick

Want to play baseball?’” she asked. Shane’s eyes opened, and he stopped stroking her hair. “What?’” “First base,’” she said. “You’re already there.’” “I’m not running the bases.’” “Well, you could at least steal second.’” “Jeez, Claire. I used to distract myself with sports stats at times like these, but now you’ve gone and ruined it. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#morganvillevampires #sweet #funny

Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty." Gideon Wyeth:"Why?" Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty. ↗

— Orson Scott Card

#funny #humour #stupid #funny

I love New York. You can pop out of the Underworld in Central Park, hail a taxi, head down Fifth Avenue with a giant hellhound loping behind you, and nobody even looks at you funny. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#blasé #new-york-city #nonchalance #funny

Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#funny #funny