#sai

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.' ↗

— Tim Vine

#gym #how #i #instructor #make

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' ↗

— Tim Vine

#home #i #phone #picked #please

I remember Mick Jagger asking me 'hey, how do you guys feel about us coming over here and taking all the play from you guys?' I said 'Well, in a way, you have eliminated all my competition. ↗

— Bobby Vinton

#asking #coming #competition #eliminated #feel

He asked why and I said, 'Because Gwyneth has a fat suit, my wife has a fat suit - I don't get a fat suit?' He looked at me and said, 'You mean you don't have one on?' ↗

— Joe Viterelli

#because #fat #get #gwyneth #i

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything. ↗

— Kurt Vonnegut

#bitter #could #disappointment #exists #laughter

In death, you get upgraded into a saint no matter how much people hated you in life. ↗

— Sarah Vowell

#get #hated #how #into #life

Like Lincoln, I would like to believe the ballot is stronger than the bullet. Then again, he said that before he got shot. ↗

— Sarah Vowell

#ballot #before #believe #bullet #got

I've decided to listen to my doctors and get the procedure I need on my knee. USA Basketball said I had to do what was best for me. They want me to be obviously as healthy as possible so I can continue to play this game at a high level. ↗

— Dwyane Wade

#best #continue #decided #doctors #game

He's a legend and I respect his work, so I went down and paid my respects when Charlton was on the set. He was nice but I think he lied a little. He said it was an honour to be in a movie with me, but I don't believe it. ↗

— Mark Wahlberg

#charlton #down #his #honour #i

Their memory's like a train: you can see it getting smaller as it pulls away And the things you can't remember Tell the things you can't forget that History puts a saint in every dream. ↗

— Tom Waits

#dream #every #forget #getting #history