One of the things that happens to people in grief is they secretly think they're crazy, because they realize they are thinking things that don't make sense. ↗
My parents thought all actors were secretly drug addicts, except for Clint Eastwood, whom they admired. But they thought it was very unlikely that I would ever be Clint Eastwood. ↗
I think most of the people involved in any art always secretly wonder whether they are really there because they're good or there because they're lucky. ↗