#sex

Man has imagined a heaven, and has left entirely out of it the supremest of all his delights...sexual intercourse!...His heaven is like himself: strange, interesting, astonishing, grotesque. I give you my word, it has not a single feature in it that he actually values. ↗

— Mark Twain

#imagination

She suggested we 'crouch' buck nekkid on the bed or a dresser and leap out at him from the shadows. Now, my husband can't see all that well in the dark. I think if he comes into a darkened bedroom and finds 140 pounds of cellulite hurtling through space at him, he's going to run like the devil. ↗

— Celia Rivenbark

#marriage #sex #humor

You never want to look in a mirror," Lula said. "Men love mirrors. They look at themselves doing the deed and they see Rex the Wonder Horse. Women look at themselves and think they need to renew their membership at the gym. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#humor #mirror #sex #humor

One slice of key lime pie. Two forks.' I felt Todd’s hand on my arm. 'You’ll thank me later.' No doubt I would. ↗

— Ophelia London

#sexy-humor #humor

Montana was naked, and so was Billy, of course. He had a tremendous wang, incidentally. You never know who'll get one. ↗

— Kurt Vonnegut

#sex #humor

You're not having sex with him. I know these guys, and you don't. I'm trusting you with Claudia Reeshman. You need to trust me about Dean Robillard." She wouldn't let him off that easily. "You're looking for a wife. Maybe I'm just looking for a little fun." "If you need fun," he shot back, 'I'll give you fun." She was stunned. ↗

— Susan Elizabeth Phillips

#sexy #humor

Lowkey punchdrunk off this Sangria-sweet love and all it’s prodigious trappings… ↗

— Brandi L. Bates

#drugs #humor #love #sex #humor

I have sex," Grace shrugged. I meant with a man," Claudia said dryly. Now why would I ruin something so good by inviting a man along?" Grace asked. ↗

— Sarah Mayberry

#sex #humor

If you lie there much longer, I’ll be tempted to tie you to the table legs and try buttering your ass instead of the toast. ↗

— Cari Silverwood

#humor #sexy #humor

MORGAN: Help me out here. THEO: What's up? MORGAN: Don't make me spell it out, Theo. THEO: Oh. MORGAN:Just talk dirty for a while. THEO: Blue-sky thinking. Thought shower. Full spectrum leadership. MORGAN: NOT corporate dirty. Sex dirty. THEO: I wouldn't know where to start. ↗

— Con Riley

#humor #humor