#ss

You can't kill us all, human.' He was right. I raised the machine gun a little. 'True, but who's going to be first in line? ↗

— Laurell K. Hamilton

#bad-ass #funny #funny

I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk. ↗

— Criss Jami

#funny #humor #humor-relationships #independence #jerk

I think so,” she [Claire] said. “Just watch your back, okay?” “Nah, Michael’s got mine.” He [Shane] looked straight into her eyes. “I’ve got yours. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#eve-rosser #funny #ghost-town #humor #michael-glass

I told the waitress I wanted some coffee. She asked if I wanted leaded of unleaded, so I had to leave the restaurant, because I quit drinking gasoline years ago. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #gasoline #odd #waitress #funny

Have voluptuousness for an appetizer and bulimia for dessert. Then you can glut yourself on love without getting full.   ↗

— Bauvard

#feasting #funny #humor #love #voluptuousness

It’s been said that the most successful people are often early risers. So that’s why I started getting up in the afternoon, which is well before any “successful” person even thinks of going to bed. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#successful #twisted-logic #funny

Funny, gorgeous, and a genius. What a package." He backed out of the parking space, smiling as he drove away. I loved that he left crazy off the list. I loved it even more that he would never think to add it. ↗

— Myra McEntire

#hourglass #michael-weaver #funny

Thinking about the haves and the have nots, I’m reminded of something Jefferson said. He was sitting at the dining room table in the White House when he picked up his fork, leaned forward in his chair, bunched up his eyebrows in surprise, and said, “I haven’t eaten all day.” You see, Jefferson truly reflected early America at that time. He was hungry, and I think you’ll find that most successful people are. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #success #successful #thomas-jefferson #funny

No, but as a vampire, I'm able to detect subtle shifts in emotional energy. ↗

— Rachel Hawkins

#funny #jenna #sarcastic #funny

Who was it that said, “Men are but wheat, and the government is the bread”? Ah yes, that was my grandfather, who shouted that shortly before hurling a loaf of bread at President Hoover during the great depression. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#government #great-depression #herbert-hoover #maxim #metaphor