#t

There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately. ↗

— Dave Barry

#call #humor #life #men #phone

It can be exhausting eating a meal cooked by a man. With a woman, it's, Ho hum, pass the beans. A guy, you have to act like he just built the Taj Mahal. ↗

— Deb Caletti

#cooking #gender-stereotypes #humor #humor

I'm a registered Republican, I only seem liberal because I believe that hurricanes are caused by high barometric pressure and not gay marriage. ↗

— Aaron Sorkin

#liberal #republican #the-newsroom #humor

[how can anyone] be silly enough to think himself better than other people, because his clothes are made of finer woolen thread than theirs. After all, those fine clothes were once worn by a sheep, and they never turned it into anything better than a sheep. ↗

— Thomas More

#fashion #humorous #renaissance #humor

TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. ↗

— Ambrose Bierce

#technology #humor

She couldn’t take her eyes from the dancing flame. No, this was so wrong. Candles should be used for meditation…for romance. Or on a birthday cake at least. So where was the cake? The present? The song? As he stepped closer to her—as the damned flame got way too close—she started singing. “Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me…” Marcus paused, looking at her in disbelief. See. I knew he didn’t have a sense of humor. “Happy birthday, dear Gabi”—she lifted her head and blew out the candle—“happy birthday to me. ↗

— Cherise Sinclair

#erotica #make-me-sir #humor

Don't you see Blaynie." Mitch put his arm around her shoulders. "You're like an illegitimate little sister that I never wanted. ↗

— Shelly Laurenston

#shelly-laurenston #humor

I lean back. "What the hell are you doing?" "What do you mean?" she asks, innocently batting her eyelashes against the hot sun beaming down on us. Is she kidding me? "Where's you toungue?" I ask stupidly. Her wet little eyebrows furrow. "In my mouth. Why, where's it supposed to be? ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#humor #maggie-armstrong #humor

My love runs by like a day in June, And he makes no friends of sorrows. He'll tread his galloping rigadoon In the pathway of the morrows. He'll live his days where the sunbeams start, Nor could storm or wind uproot him. My own dear love, he is all my heart, -- And I wish somebody'd shoot him. ↗

— Dorothy Parker

#humor #men #poetry #humor

A coincidence is a small miracle in which God chooses to remain anonymous. ↗

— Irene Hannon

#inspirational