#ted

The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#attempted-murder #authorities #choke #choking #crime

I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#alcohol #bizarre #drink #freeze #froze

A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman?
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A blanket could be used to trick a bull into charging at you. After you trick the bull, trick a bear next, and then by that time all the investors will be playing your game, not even knowing that you are the Blanket Master that controls the world.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

In a sad twist of fate, the bill to reauthorize the Patriot Act was debated on the floor of the House of Representatives the same day that terrorists struck again. ↗

— Jim Sensenbrenner

#again #bill #day #debated #fate

A brick could be used as a pillow, if you first wrap it with a blanket. But if you’re shivering from being cold, don’t worry—I’ll cover you with my naked body.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

I wanted to be a painter, really, when I was growing up as a kid. It was one thing that really took a grip on me. ↗

— Andy Serkis

#growing #growing up #i #kid #me

A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But what if that bleeding is figurative? In that case, I’d recommend a virtual Band-Aid.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. ↗

— Rod Serling

#both #dancing #difficult #documentary #every

A blanket could be used like the Romans used Greek gods. Still, if you want my honest opinion, I’d rather pray to cheddar cheese than to Zeus. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny