#um

I called my mother immediately to inform her that she was a bad parent. "I can't believe you let us watch this. We ate dinner in front of this." "Everyone watched Twin Peaks," was her response. "So, if everyone jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you do it, too?" "Don't be silly," she laughed, "of course I would, honey. There'd be no one left on the planet. It would be a very lonely place. ↗

— Sloane Crosley

#humor

If there were a Jessica Chase instruction manual, it would be written backwards in Arabic Pig Latin and twelve thousand pages long with random pages missing. ↗

— Olivia Cunning

#humor

It sucked so bad she might as well put a gun to her head and pull the trigger. Except she didn’t own a gun because she didn’t like them. Besides, pulling the trigger on a gun was pretty final. She had issues with commitment and she was so freaking dead anyway, so why bother. ↗

— Thea Harrison

#humor

Any idiot can be liked. It takes talent to scare the crap out of people"- ↗

— Alison Arngrim

#memiors #humor

Daemon arched a brow. “You don’t wanna play, Barf, because we can do that nifty freeze thing and play, right here and now.” Oh, for the love of backwoods babies everywhere, this wasn’t necessary. I wrapped my fingers around Daemon’s tense arm. “Come on,” I whispered. ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#humor

If you want to be seen, stand up. If you want to be heard, speak up. If you want to be appreciated, shut up. ↗

— Bill Cosby

#humor

Just-fucked hair doesn't suit me. ↗

— E.L. James

#humor

It's so shameful of me: I like you. ↗

— Morrissey

#lyrics #music #humor

You do realise modern social mores exist for a reason?" "I was hungry, allowances should be made. ↗