#um

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#truth #humor

[Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble.] Calvin: Ha! I've got a great word and it's on a "Double word score" box! Hobbes: "ZQFMGB" isn't a word! It doesn't even have a vowel! Calvin: It is so a word! It's a worm found in New Guinea! Everyone knows that! Hobbes: I'm looking it up. Calvin: You do, and I'll look up that 12-letter word you played with all the Xs and Js! Hobbes: What's your score for ZQFMGB? Calvin: 957. ↗

— Bill Watterson

#scrabble #humor

Do you know, sire, I think that if we live to tell our grandchildren about this war, they will accuse us of making it up.' -Marielle ↗

— Tamora Pierce

#humor

Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. ↗

— Ambrose Bierce

#children #clothes #clothing #definition #humor

Find something useful to do with your morning,' she thought to him as she neared her chambers. 'Do something heroic in front of an audience. Knock a child into a river while no one's looking and then rescue him. ↗

— Kristin Cashore

#heroic #humor #po #humor

Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off," he said. "I'm not in the mood to compromise. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#humor #romance #humor

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to. ↗

— George Carlin

#philosophy #humor

I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal. ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#humor #internet #kids #teenagers #time-travel

I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I have little memory. ↗

— Augusten Burroughs

#humor

Do you love him?" There were only a few people in the world who could ask me such insanely personal questions without getting punched. Dimitri was one of them. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#humor #kick-ass #rose-hathaway #vampire-academy #humor