#um

Ninth graders with machine guns: its hard to make that a happy story. ↗

— Michael Grant

#humor

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body. ↗

— George Carlin

#fitness #humor #humor

Purple light passed over the paper, but nothing happened. "Next!" Amy said. She was sure the man in black was going to burst in on them any second. "Whoa!" Dan said. Amy gripped his arm. "You found it?" "No, but look! This whole essay - 'To the Royal Academy.' He wrote a whole essay on farts!" Dan grinned with delight. "He's proposing a scientific study on different fart smells. You're right, Amy. This guy was a genius! ↗

— Rick Riordan

#ben-franklin #dan-cahill #essay #fart #humor

When did you suddenly become Mister Maturity? ↗

— Michael Buckley

#humor #humor

You guys are ridiculous," he says, retreating back to the kitchen. "Your flirting just scared the hell out of me." "Scared the hell out of me too. ↗

— Pittacus Lore

#sam-goode #humor

Alec raised his blue eyes."Whos Will?" Magnus exhled a sort laugh."Will.Dear God.That was a long time ago.Will was a Shadowhunter,like you.And yes,he did look like you,but your nothing like him.Jace is much more the way Will was,in personality at least-and my relationship with you is nothing like the one I had with Will.Is that whats bothering you?" "I dont like thinking your only with me because I look like so dead guy you liked. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor

8:58 We go to McDonald's. The woman in front of me in line spends more than five seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? MC-SEABASS?? IT'S THE GODDAMN MCDONALDS'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TEN YEARS! IT'S ALL MCSHIT!JUST ORDER! ↗

— Tucker Max

#insult #mcdonalds #humor

It's the perfect solution. We argue all the time. We can't stand each other. It's like we're already married." -Leo Hathaway to Cat- ↗

— Lisa Kleypas

#hathaways #humor #leo #marriage #humor

The spell...curled around...like smoke before settling in. Sophie: "Okay, do you guys feel protected?" Archer: "Yes. Also a little violated, but that's neither here nor there. ↗

— Rachel Hawkins

#magic #humor

Courtesy of their tempers, both were now dressed in the Captain Asshole costume—which included, for no extra charge, the cape of disgrace, the booties of shame, and keys to the Fuck Up mobile. ↗

— J.R. Ward

#humor #tohrment #humor