#um

I'm trying to keep your safe!" Puck exploded, whirling on me. His eyes feverish, and I shrank back. "This isn't a game, Meghan! The shit is about to hit the fan, and you're right in the middle of it without knowing enough to duck! ↗

— Julie Kagawa

#humor #humor

I collect collectivisms. I’ve already got socialism and communism, and all I need is fascism to complete the set. I’m looking to trade my dusty democracy, but Uncle Sam isn’t interested in a deal at this time. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#collections #collectivism #communism #democracy #fascism

Jessamine blew out her cheeks in exasperation. "I think you ought to let me take poor Tessa into town to get some new clothes. Otherwise, the first time she takes a deep breath, that dress will fall right off her." Will looked interested. "I think she should try that out right now and see what happens. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor

There are none so deaf as those listening to ‘All by Myself’ over and over and over again. ↗

— Sarah Rees Brennan

#humor #humor

wouldn't you like to make sure all those millions you give to Uncle Sam went to schools and hospitals instead of nuclear warheads?' As a matter of fact, he would. Playgrounds for big kids, preschool programs to little ones, and mandatory LASIK surgery for NFL refs. ↗

— Susan Elizabeth Phillips

#humor #sports #taxes #humor

Unless you intend to kill him immediately thereafter, never kick a man in the balls. Not even symbolically. Or perhaps especially not symbolically. ↗

— Robert A. Heinlein

#patriarchy #prudence #humor

But she was already in. Gareth couldn't help but stand back in admiration. Hyacinth Bridgerton was clearly a natural born athlete. Either that or a cat burglar. ↗

— Julia Quinn

#humor #humor

Is he a scumbag in training?” Richard glanced at the gunman. “At least have the decency to hold the gun properly, you fool. If you don’t know how, pass it to someone who does. I’m not going to suffer being shot at by anything less than a full- fledged lowlife. (Richard) ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#gun #humor #lowlife #scumbag #humor

I bowl like I masturbate: with two hands. I should run for Congress. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #politics #humor

There are some things I don't understand about Jess and never will. No wedding dress. No flowers. No photo album. No champagne. The only thing she got out of her wedding was a husband. (I mean, obviously the husband is the main point when you get married. Absolutely. That goes without saying. But still, not even a new pair of shoes?) ↗

— Sophie Kinsella

#humor