#um

Seriously. Dados bounce." Bobby in Raven Rise ↗

— D.J. MacHale

#humor

I do not traditionally speak ill of women, but your governess is a cabbagehead ↗

— Sarah MacLean

#humor #sarah-maclean #the-season #humor

All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #love #age

What’s your name, lad?” “Newton. Newton Pulsifer.” “LUCIFER? What’s that you say? Are ye of the Spawn of Darkness, a tempting beguiling creature from the pit, wanton limbs steaming from the fleshpots of Hades, in tortured and lubricious thrall to your Stygian and hellish masters?” “That’s Pulsifer,” explained Newton. “With a P. I don’t know about the other stuff, but we come from Surrey.” The voice on the phone sounded vaguely disappointed. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#humor

For a guy who claimed not to be a stalker he sure knows the tricks of the trade. Give up the Ghost ↗

— Megan Crewe

#humor #liar #stalker #humor

I want to do it too!" (sitting motionless) Nudge: "Nope, you stand out like a fart in a church." Max:(muttering)"Appropriately enough" Iggy: "What about me?" (stands still) Max: "No, you're visible." Iggy: "Am not!" Max: (throws a pinecone at him) "Could I do that if I wouldn't see you? ↗

— James Patterson

#humor

I adore Wilkie Collins,” Tessa cried. “Oh—Armadale! And The Woman in White … Are you laughing at me?” “Not at you,” said Will, grinning, “more because of you. I’ve never seen anyone get so excited over books before. You’d think they were diamonds.” “Well, they are, aren’t they? Isn’t there anything you love like that? And don’t say ‘spats’ or ‘lawn tennis’ or something silly.” “Good Lord,” he said with mock horror, “it’s like she knows me already. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#tessa-gray #will-herondale #humor

A king of a kingdom no one fucking knows about! I'm the tree in the forest that silently falls--when no one is around to be crushed! [Lothaire, Enemy of Old] ↗

— Kresley Cole

#humor #philosophical-musings #humor

Medicine cabinets are dangerous. Those doors, man. They'll just spring on you like a ninja. ↗

— Barry Lyga

#humor

Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to a virgin. ↗

— Robert A. Heinlein

#humor #sex #technology #technophobes #wit