#un

Never have more children than you have car windows. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#car #children #more #never #than

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#bathroom #call #child #dog #doing

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#charm #decades #hanging #i #lost

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#i #old #paper #route #security

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#back #box #boxes #business #cardboard

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#certainly #decreed #infinite #league #little

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#dead #fruit #hairy #i #me

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#carrying #certain #courage #dignity #enough

I pretty much got busted for everything, but I definitely stretched out my boundaries as a kid, as well. ↗

— Matt Bomer

#busted #definitely #everything #got #i

Now it seems like people want to do damage to young celebrities. They want to find them doing bad things. They encourage them. ↗

— Danny Bonaduce

#celebrities #damage #doing #encourage #find