#un

Jesse, we can’t do this.” “Sure we can, honey. It’s the perfect night for it. You’re a woman, I’m a man. Those little twinkling things overhead are stars. I believe it’s referred to as romance. ↗

— Christine Feehan

#funny

He's wrong he's so he's so wrong he's more wrong than an upside-down rainbow. ↗

— Tahereh Mafi

#somewhat-funny #teensy-bit-sad #wrong #funny

Stroking a blob as it rolled along her face with one hand, and with the other gently grasping a lump on the back of her accident-prone head, I told my sweet sack of potatoes I knew just what she needed. A thermometer reading. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#consolation #funny #thermometer #funny

The x-ray of your skull shows a large, flobby mass floating inside. I have to consult my colleagues to be certain, but it looks like a long sausage snarled into a lump. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #sausage #x-ray #funny

Does the giraffe know what he's for? Or care? Or even think about his place in things? A giraffe has a black tongue twenty-seven inches long and no vocal cords. A giraffe has nothing to say. He just goes on giraffing. ↗

— Robert Fulghum

#giraffe #funny

She tried to smile sympathetically, but with her face it wasn't quite possible. ↗

— Anthony Horowitz

#funny #funny

Oh, I'm good. Seriously, after all these years, you'd think I would stop amazing myself. But here I am, still doing it. ↗

— James Dashner

#conceit #funny #funny

I'm courteous to most, but antisocial among polite society. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #manners #funny

The inside is packed with people. Lots of them crowding the bar, passing drinks back for people to carry to tables. A bunch of guys are pouring shots of vodka. "To Zacharov!" one toasts. "To open hearts and open bars!" calls another. "And open legs," says Anton. ↗

— Holly Black

#funny

It's not a stereotype if it's always true. ↗

— Daniel Tosh

#daniel-tosh #funny #funny