#w

Never met such a Gorgon . . . I don't really know what a Gorgon is like, but I am quite sure that Lady Bracknell is one. In any case, she is a monster, without being a myth, which is rather unfair. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#funny

An anniversary is the perfect time to celebrate all the missed opportunities to correct a mistake, and even take vows to renew it. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #love #marital-vows #funny

Is he dead?" he inquired "He looks dead." "No," snapped Maryse. "He's not dead." "Have you checked? I could kick him if you want." Mangus moved toward Jace. "Stop that!" the Inquisitor snapped, sounding like Clary's third grade teacher demanding that she stop dooling on her desk with a marker. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#dead #funny #jace-lightwood #magnus-bane #the-inquisitor

In homosexual sex you know exactly what the other person is feeling, so you are identifying with the other person completely. In heterosexual sex you have no idea what the other person is feeling. ↗

— William S. Burroughs

#funny

How'd you get to be so good at this?" "I had a good teacher." "Better not have been Myrnin or I'll have to kick his predatory ass." "I mean you, dummy." "Oh. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny #ghost-town #humor #morganville-vampires #myrnin

Because even among contrarians, I’m a contrarian. But all of this is just words of bronze, third place rhetoric. What do I really mean when I say we want to shock society into awareness? Do we mean we want more originality and individuality? Less TV, more reading, writing, actual thinking? Less sheep, more shepherd pie? Yes, yes, and a little more pie, please. Oh, and some more sweet tea, too ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #individuality #originality #reading

I want to be in the Guinness Book of World Record’s for something ridiculous like juggling poison-tipped porcupines, playing the piano blindfolded while tightrope walking in tights, or throwing a rubber ball in a circular rim adorned with a dangling white nylon net. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #guinness-book-of-world-records #piano #funny

This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even though it wasn’t a deer, I still managed to nail that son of a bitch. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#box #deer #driving #funny #humor

My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cheap #christmas #funny #knowledge #funny

There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #flag #flagpole #funny #honor