#wi

People keep asking "Jacob or Edward?" when the really important question is "Diamond Dave or Sammy? ↗

— Ysabeau S. Wilce

#twilight #van-halen #funny

Come live with us, Diana. Don't argue. Just say yes." Diana looked at the ground to hide her emotions. Then she said, "Would I have to be hearing you two going at it night and day? ↗

— Michael Grant

#come-live-with-us #diana #funny #gone #gone-series

Yeah, well, wish in one hand, crap in the other, and see which fills up first ↗

— S.A. Bodeen

#s-a-bodeen #the-compound #wit #funny

I tended to hate people that hit me in the head without warning. ↗

— Amanda Hocking

#funny #hit #wisdom #funny

oh you do smell good. ↗

— Stephenie Meyer

#funny

That streetside tree is obscuring the air. Cut it down. Haul it in for questioning. There are secrets within that foliage. You might want to separate the branches in different rooms and apply some elementary game theory.” “Question a plant?” “Trees have a will too, just like people. We have to know it’s purpose. Read Schopenhauer.” “Schopenwho?” “He was the only authentic German. You might like him. Being a police officer, you’re undoubtedly familiar with the need to put an end to the lives of the perverse when sex crimes go too far. Now just generalize that necessity to every human being. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #schopenhauer #trees #will #funny

If you share your soup, I’ll share my wisdom. I brought a spoon, but did you bring a pen? How are you going to take notes, you fool! ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#pen #wisdom #funny

It’s much easier not to know things sometimes. ↗

— Stephen Chbosky

#ignorance

I'm a widower with three sons and seven grandchildren. One of my sons is my partner on the ranch. ↗

— Wilford Brimley

#i #partner #ranch #seven #sons

Have you ever wanted to be somebody else? Today I fantasized about being my own identical monozygotic twin. How cool would that be? I could both be me, and yet be someone completely different. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#fantasy #funny #monozygotic-twin #somebody-else #funny