#you

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#candy #front #fun #get #glass

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#business #came #casino #exit #fire

People always ask me 'do you think there should be more bands doing political music?' and I say 'absolutely not.' ↗

— Serj Tankian

#absolutely not #always #ask #bands #doing

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#great #hungry #really #rice #something

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#eat #fish #fishing #go #just

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#any #car #cars #coming #exactly

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#flyer #hands #here #like #saying

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#disillusion #go #here #i #i am

So I do have to work, you know, and I find as many movies and TV shows that I can, because otherwise I wouldn't have an income. ↗

— Tippi Hedren

#find #i #i can #i do #income

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#last #last night #night #people #please