#age

The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #marriage #wife #funny

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #language #funny

You could duct tape my mouth shut, and I'd still talk too much. I talk with my hands, so you have to listen hard to hear me. You'll hear my flattering words when you see me clap. Hello and goodbye are the same word, in the language of the hand. When I talk with my hands, I might be agreeable and say "Ok." Or I might be calling you an asshole. But let's face it, I am agreeable, and you are an asshole. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#goodbye #hello #language #funny

The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies. ↗

— Robert Conquest

#funny #management #funny

Breckin shrugs. “I’m new here. And if you haven’t deducted from my impeccable fashion sense, I think it’s safe to say that I’m…” he leans forward and cups his hand to his mouth in secrecy. “Mormon,” he whispers. ↗

— Colleen Hoover

#funny #gay #mormon #teenager #funny

S'mimasen," Alyss said repeatedly as they brushed against passerby. "What does that mean?" Will asked as they reached a stretch of street bare of any other pedestrians. He was impressed by Alyss's grasp of the local language. "It means 'pardon me,'" Alyss replied, but then a shadow of doubt crossed her face. "At least, I hope it does. Maybe I'm saying 'you have the manners of a fat, rancid sow. ↗

— John Flanagan

#language #ranger-s-apprentice #funny

I know that man started animal husbandry thousands of years ago, and I think it’s disgusting. Men and animals should never be allowed to marry. Or have sex. And maybe not even engage in necking, unless it’s a man and a giraffe. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#disgusting #funny #marriage #funny

Life Is Too Short--So Kiss Slowly, Laugh Insanely, Love Truly, And Live With Passion. ↗

— Andy Vogt

#erotic-massage #humor #massage #mysteries #paperbacks

Other cars resent me because I’m the best driver on the road, but I won’t have to put up with their honks much longer – soon my swing will be good enough for the golf course. ↗

— Bauvard

#golf #humor #road-rage #funny

I'd like to thank William the conqueror for the Normandy Conquest. Because of him I've been speaking French every time I say the pledge of allegiance on D-day. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #language #normandy #funny