#ak

I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me! ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #lust #mirrors #naked

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, until it stops beating. Getting ripped out of the chest tends to have that effect. ↗

— Bauvard

#heartbreak #humor #love #funny

There had to be a circle of Hell where you were eternally fourteen, eternally in junior high. One of the lower circles. ↗

— Laurell K. Hamilton

#funny #funny

You can't kill us all, human.' He was right. I raised the machine gun a little. 'True, but who's going to be first in line? ↗

— Laurell K. Hamilton

#bad-ass #funny #funny

Remember when we made love in the rain? You asked me to bring protection, and I brought a windshield wiper. That was my first time. I had never driven in the rain before that. I didn’t even own a car. I was saving up money and buying car parts one at a time until I had the whole thing. I didn’t even have a windshield yet, just the wiper. That was the first thing I bought. I was so proud of myself. Rain or shine, I carried that wiper with me everywhere I went. Though it works in a car, it doesn’t really work as well as an umbrella when you’re swinging it above your head in a sudden downpour. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#make-love #rain #funny

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals. ↗

— Robert Orben

#cereal #chocolate #funny #humor #old

He balled his hand into a fist. "You are such a bitch." "Woof, woof," I said. ↗

— Laurell K. Hamilton

#funny #laurell-k-hamilton #richard #funny

Life is funny like that, making us pay for the same stupid mistakes even after we've learned from them thoroughly. ↗

— R.K. Lilley

#mistake #funny

Well, remember, active Grims can't have children. Fertility is adversley affected by the proximity to the ether, to Elixir, and all sorts of other components-- plus, the Grimsphere is no place to raise a family, even if woman conceive here." Lex snuck a glance at Driggs, but Uncle Mort caught her. "That doesn't mean you get a free pass to ride the baloney pony when ever you want to. Got it? ↗

— Gina Damico

#funny #sexual #family

That's why I always keep a handful of silver glitter in my pockets. If I get pushed into a conversational corner I throw the glitter into the air, and while the person I'm talking to is distracted, I run away. An additional benefit is that I look like a cool magician, so I've got that going for me. ↗

— Jon Acuff

#christianity #funny #funny