#al

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. ↗

— Steven Wright

#distance #everywhere #time #walking #within

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. ↗

— Steven Wright

#bad #bad luck #busted #five #get

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! ↗

— Steven Wright

#apartment #furious #i #installed #live

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. ↗

— Steven Wright

#here #i #map #over #over it

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. ↗

— Steven Wright

#call #car #home #i #leave

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. ↗

— Steven Wright

#claus #got #missing #moved #now

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. ↗

— Steven Wright

#future #i #off #only #peripheral

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. ↗

— Steven Wright

#child #eventually #had #i #kid

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. ↗

— Steven Wright

#asleep #falls #hand #hate #know

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. ↗

— Steven Wright

#executive #i #only #saw #second