#am

How is Eric?' 'Very tightly wound. Plus, a lot of stuff happened that he'll tell you about.' 'Thanks for the warning. I'll go to the house now. You're my favorite breather.' 'Oh. Well ... great.' She hung up. ↗

— Charlaine Harris

#pam #sookie-stackhouse #vampires #family

He told me that if you yelled out "JAMBA!" at full volume, all the employees would yell back "JUICE!" He lied. ↗

— Morgan Matson

#brother #charlie #funny #funny

The American boy starts swinging the bat about as soon as he can lift one. ↗

— Tris Speaker

#american #bat #boy #lift #soon

She's Prim's size in diameter. ↗

— Suzanne Collins

#games #hunger #hunger-games #funny

This means that I don't have to run faster than the psychotic-maniac-vampire-cannibal, I just have to run faster than whoever is with me when the psychotic-maniac-vampire-cannibal starts chasing us. ↗

— Jim Benton

#funny #maniac #psycho #running #vampire

So, Americans, then. Self-appointed vigilante defenders of the world, kind of like Superman, if Superman was retarded and only fought crime when he felt like it. ↗

— Yahtzee Croshaw

#americans #funny #superheroes #funny

I'm going to take a shower," I said and prepared for the comment I knew was coming. "You know what they say, conserve water and shower with a friend. ↗

— Chelsea M. Cameron

#funny #hunter-zaccadelli #my-favorite-mistake #shower #taylor-and-hunter

This is an Aston Martin, Gin.You don't run over dead bodies in an Aston Matin." "Tell that to James Bond ↗

— Jennifer Estep

#comeback #funny #james-bond #web-of-lies #funny

Tod crossed his arms over his snug white T-shirt, silently giving me the floor. Fortunately, I was prepared. "Sabine ambushed me in the hall this morning and gave me a lecture on sex." Tod's brow's rose halfway to his hairline. "I hope you took notes... ↗

— Rachel Vincent

#kaylee-cavanaugh #notes #sabine-campbell #tod-hudson #funny

I had the great idea of using markers to gently color the ants so I could tell them apart, but I learned that this is exactly like somebody trying to gently color on you with a thirty-story building. Without dwelling on the tragedy, I'd just like to say that I'm deeply sorry to Mr. Purple and the surviving Purple family. ↗

— Jim Benton

#building #coloring #funny #purple #family