#ang

I'm pretty sure those're my balls you've found,” I said to the man searching my pants. “You gonna count 'em out now? Because I'll save you the trouble. There's two. ↗

— Nenia Campbell

#humor #michael #sarcasm #humor

I couldn't take much more of this. Being the object two men competed for wasn't as glamorous as it sounded in the movies. The two men who both wanted one hundred percent of my time weren't dashing, international playboys. They were undead and surprisingly immature, considering the youngest was just over a hundred years old. ↗

— Jennifer Armintrout

#love-triangle #men-and-women #relationships #humor

She placed her make-up bag in front of her, opened it, then ignored the contents. She used it for show and always as a warning to the body that she may one day use it! ↗

— Nicholas Reardon

#humor #manga #reardon #ya #humor

He punched me in the face," Ash said, who understandably did not seem to find the situation humorous at all. "And then he yelled at me for sleeping with our personal trainer!" "I was told breakup scenes were a good way to distract people," Jared said with beautiful simplicity. "Ash looked so surprised," Holly said. "He had no idea what was going on. He said, 'I didn't sleep with our personal trainer! We don't even have a personal trainer!'" Angela and Holly giggled. Ash held the back of his hand to his bleeding mouth and glared. Jared was still grinning like a maniac. "In that case," he told Ash solemnly, "I will consider taking you back. ↗

— Sarah Rees Brennan

#ash #break-ups #cousins #distractions #holly

When oranges came in, a curious proceeding was gone through. Miss Jenkyns did not like to cut the fruit, for, as she observed, the juice all ran out nobody knew where, sucking [only I think she used some more recondite word] was in fact the only way of enjoying oranges; but then there was the unpleasant association with a ceremony frequently gone through by little babies; and so, after dessert, in orange season, Miss Jenkyns and Miss Matty used to rise up, possess themselves each of an orange in silence, and withdraw to the privacy of their own rooms to indulge in sucking oranges. ↗

— Elizabeth Gaskell

#oranges #humor

To God I speak Spanish, to women Italian, to men French, and to my horse - German. ↗

— Emperor Charles V

#humorous-quotes #languages #humor

When I fell in love with you... It was nothing like I'd ever known before. It was nearly instant. I think I started falling for you, the moment you shook my hand... It was so powerful. I knew it was wrong, but it was addicting." - Jack Travis ↗

— Lisa Kleypas

#smooth-talking-stranger #love

His eyes were twin flakes of ember floating into the night from a roaring inferno. “I won’t let anything happen to you. No matter what I have to do, I will keep you safe. ↗

— Airicka Phoenix

#dangerous-games #mystery-suspense #passionate-love #thriller #young-adult

Something bloomed right then and there in the small dark space between us. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew enough to know it was rare and delicate. And it felt so real I might have been able to reach out and touch it if I tried. ↗

— Alyxandra Harvey

#solange #love

My love may be invisible, but that doesn’t mean you can’t taste it. (It tastes like a sonic boom, only not as bitter).
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bitter #invisible #love #nonsense #sonic-boom