#bi

Pervy and redundant, don't you think?" I asked the big gay cop, who wouldn't know a va-jay-jay if it bounced up to him and sang the "Star-Spangled Banner." (You ever notice that hardly anything besides the "Star-Spangled Banner" is spangled? There's no, like, the Raisin-Spangled Scone, or the Flea-Spangled Beagle. I'm just saying.) --Being the Journal of Abby Normal ↗

— Christopher Moore

#christopher-moore #love

Though I wondered what she ever made of my professed love for and intentions to marry Big Bird, the hottie of Sesame Street. ↗

— Wendy Delsol

#humor #love #humor

I see a tongue! Some asshole is licking my peephole. ↗

— Mark Tufo

#tongue #zombie #humor

It's why I get miffed at all the dashing around in recent zombie films. It completely misses the point; transforms the threat to a straightforward physical danger from the zombies themselves, rather than our own inability to avoid them and these films are about us, not them. There's far more meat on the bones of the latter, far more juicy interpretation to get our teeth into. The first zombie is by comparison thin and one dimensional and ironically, it is down to all the exercise. ↗

— Simon Pegg

#humor #memoir #zombies #humor

When you take advice from a cat, there are always consequences. ↗

— Elora Bishop

#cat #elora-bishop #humor #sappho-s-fables #humor

A brick could be dropped on your mother-in-law’s head from the height of 66.6 feet. You know, as a going away present. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket #funny #humor #random #strange

Alice is fictional. This isn't. ↗

— Jess C. Scott

#dark-humor #group-think #groupthink #lady-gaga #mad-magazine

How...how are you doing, Jace?' Holding on. Just barely. Charlie?' Charlie's tone is almost conversational. 'Kind of getting the urge to kill both of you. Think I'm gonna head back.' Sure, okay, no problem.' Yeah, yeah, good idea. You do that. ↗

— D.D. Barant

#dying-bites #humor #humor

Biffy said, off the cuff, "Or we could find a replacement queen." "Volunteering for the position?" "Why, Professor, is that wittiness I detect?" "Only for you." "Charmer." Biffy tapped him on the arm playfully. ↗

— Gail Carriger

#humor #professor-lyall #timeless #humor

Beth from accounting is just sitting in her car eating spaghetti. ↗

— Ryan Mecum

#humor #zombies #humor