#d

My brother was a great swimmer. He was as fast as a shark. Well, almost. It beat him by a half a leg's length, right below the knee. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #shark #funny

(About a cookbook...) - What about this one? Maids of Honor? - Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor...but they ends up Tarts. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#funny-and-random #humor #humorous #retort #satire

Oh. Momma told me not to tell you that your bed squeaks. But I think you know, 'cause I could hear it this morning. Jake dropped his fork. Tor, for the first time Jake had ever seen, turned scarlet. Maureen looked at them both and sighed. Christmas is always so interesting with you, Mark. ↗

— Chris Owen

#funny #kids-humor #m-m #funny

If you would have asked me a year ago if I believed in aliens, I’d have laughed and said no. But that was before the abduction. I don’t laugh as much anymore, mainly due to severe rectal bleeding.

 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#alien #funny #funny

Agatha was a woman. All women are mortal. Therefore, Agatha must be dead.” -Orafoura ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#mortal #random #syllogism #funny

That much sexual tension makes me want to hump a phone pole, and that’s just not attractive in a pregnant woman. ↗

— Amy Lane

#sexual-innuendos #funny

Once I started I couldn’t put it down. It was so addictive . . . like a train wreck. ↗

— Katie Klein

#cross-my-heart #funny #jaden-mcentyre #katie-klein #parker-whalen

Ish #1 "It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles. ↗

— Regina Griffin

#funny-quotes #humor #humorous #tags-funny-and-random #funny

What do you think, Galen?" Lady Fern asked in a sugary voice. Galen chewed slowly and painfully, swallowing tentatively. It's very unique," he said, trying to look intrigued instead of disgusted. "It's excellent." Lady Fern looked satisfied and turned to say something to her husband, while Galen added quietly under his breath, "...not." --The Fire Stone ↗

— Riley Carney

#funny #lady-fern #food

The only practical thing to do with the absent-minded is to put them in retirement homes when they are born and admire their artwork when they are senile. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #practical #funny