#dark

People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works. ↗

— Hannibal Buress

#laugh #humor

Jaz is their drummer. He’s pretty damn good too. Hell, he’s pretty damn good at everything he’s ever tried. Creative little shit. ↗

— Lissa Matthews

#humor

Even in your darkest moments, you'll think of something that'll crack you up. ↗

— Brad Paisley

#darkest #even #moments #something #think

You have the effrontery to be squeamish, it thought at him. But we were dragons. We were supposed to be cruel, cunning, heartless and terrible. But this much I can tell you, you ape – the great face pressed even closer, so that Wonse was staring into the pitiless depths of his eyes – we never burned and tortured and ripped one another apart and called it morality. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#dark-humor #dragons #morality #humor

Loop, you shot him in the head... Fuck yeah he dead. ↗

— Brian Azzarello

#humor #humor

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself. ↗

— Mark Twain

#dark-humor #funny #humorous #killing #funny

We’re all under the streetlamps, everyone’s the color of day-old piss. When I’m fifty, this is how I’ll remember my friends: tired and yellow and drunk. ↗

— Junot Díaz

#humor

Thomas had a depressing - and scary - thought. 'Am I . . . replacing someone? Did somebody get killed?' Minho shook his head. 'No, we're just training you - someone'll want a break. Don't worry, it's been a while since a Runner was killed.' For some reason that last statement worried Thomas, though he hoped it didn't show on his face. ↗

— James Dashner

#humor

Sir, come quick. They've found a body in the canal." I blew out my breath. Saved by the corpse. ...The corpse in question was Nigel Nicabar. The watchers had collected the bodies found in Nigel's house, garden, and canal, and put them in the greenhouse located at the back of the garden. The necromancer's talents weren't with living things, so the greenhouse's tables were pretty much empty - at least of plants. Dead goblins lay under sheets and tarps. I couldn't help feeling that Nigel would have approved. What he wouldn't have approved of was being included among them. Nigel wouldn't have been caught dead surrounded by goblins, yet that's exactly how and where he was. I don't think he would have appreciated the irony. ↗

— Lisa Shearin

#goblins #humor #humor

I wonder if I could eat a child if I had the chance.' 'I doubt if I could cook one,' said Constance. ↗

— Shirley Jackson

#dark-humor #humor #macabre #humor