#ear

[Thou] mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms! ↗

— William Shakespeare

#henry-iv #shakespeare #funny

They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#florida #funny #hear #spanish #talking

It's so trendy, almost bleeding to death. All the cool girls are doing it. ↗

— Francine Pascal

#cool #ed-fargo #fearless #funny #death

Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#coffee #funny #hold #humor #jockstrap

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, until it stops beating. Getting ripped out of the chest tends to have that effect. ↗

— Bauvard

#heartbreak #humor #love #funny

I love New York. You can pop out of the Underworld in Central Park, hail a taxi, head down Fifth Avenue with a giant hellhound loping along behind you, and nobody even looks at you funny. Of course, the Mist helped. People probably couldn't see Mrs. O'Leary, or maybe they thought she was a large,loud,very friendly truck. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#new-york-city #percy-jackson #funny

It’s not uncommon for me to be early to meetings by as much as a half a gallon. I guess the reason I am so punctual is because I have a very fluid concept of time. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #surreal #time #funny

A comedy isn’t about being funny...a comedy is about characters who dare to know that they may choose a happy ending after all. ↗

— Gary D. Schmidt

#happy-ending #shakespeare #funny

Given a choice between goose egg and heartache, I would choose heartache. ↗

— Santosh Kalwar

#funny #goose-egg #heartache #life-lessons #funny

Ever notice how amused people are when you point out one of their mannerisms or a funny quirk about them? They start laughing and getting happy because they're thinking, "People notice me! I'm relevent!" It's OK to have these instincts, but you have to suppress them a bit. There are 6 billion people here, so it's not all about you. You need to let other people talk for a while and pay attention to their world for a sec. ↗

— Lesley Arfin

#true-stories-drugs #funny