#ed

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#because #did #died #fake #i

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#candy #front #fun #get #glass

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#severed #stocking #ultimate

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#buy #cake #candle #got #holder

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#still #too #used

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#banana #friend #frozen #i #later

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#blackjack #gambling #i #like #play

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#blackjack #circle #gambling #i #i love

Just as long as something is gained, a lesson is learned. I do like those. The more quiet victories are always great. ↗

— Jon Heder

#gained #great #i #i do #just

When I was young, I told my sister that she had chunky thighs. She slapped me and I cried. She feels bad about it to this day, but I feel worse. ↗

— Jon Heder

#bad #cried #day #feel #feels