#eli

...now Eli was my new neighbor. Which was fine with me because I sucked at Math. Math and I were not on speaking terms. ↗

— Shelly Crane

#humor #math #humor

You know what's really freaky? Wes segues. "The fact that the psycho in question was the same guy who was after Debbie Marcus." The whole fiasco with Debbie Marcus had happened at around the same time that I was getting stalked. But instead of taking her seriously, people chalked her stories up to pranks and practical jokes, concluding that Debbie had gotten paranoid as a result. But there was obviously a lot more to it. "Actually, its not nearly as freaky as the fact that Camelia decided to go to the psycho's house without even calling us first," Kimmie says. "I already told you guys, I didn't have my phone." "And you've obviously never heard of a collect call," Wes says. "Nor have you heard of nine-one-one." Kimmie's barbell-pierced eyebrow rises high. "Because I hear that's free as well. ↗

— Laurie Faria Stolarz

#deadly-little-voices #humor #kimmie #wes #humor

ah, what am I suppose to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happen ↗

— Dane Cook

#humor #religion #humor

Unfortunately this Electric Monk had developed a fault, and had started to believe all kinds of things, more or less at random. It was even beginning to believe things they'd have difficulty believing in Salt Lake City. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#humor #mormonism #religion #robot #humor

There is no reason to regard God as immune from consideration along the spectrum of probabilities. And there is certainly no reason to suppose that, just because God can be neither proved nor disproved, his probability of existence is 50 per cent. ↗

— Richard Dawkins

#religion #science #humor

Baptists: I'm a pious guy, but even I have my limits. I draw the line right around spending 8 hours in church every Sunday. Church should be a solemn 45 minutes to sit quietly and feel guilty, with donuts at the end to make you feel better. I don't go in for a full day of singing and dancing and rejoicing, no matter how nice the hats are. I prefer my Gospel monotonously droned to me from a pulpit, thank you very much. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#religion #humor

You frighten me, when you say there isn't time." "I don't see why. Christians have been expecting the imminent end of the world for millennia." "But it keeps not ending." "So far, so good. ↗

— Orson Scott Card

#humor #religion #humor

He's attracted to the smell of manure," Felicity says. "You might wallow in the stables to bring out the full flower of his love. ↗

— Libba Bray

#humor #libba-bray #rebel-angels #humor

The Theist tells us that the truth is god exists, the Atheist tells us that the truth is there is no god, while the truth tells us we don't know. ↗

— Kodai Okuda

#knowledge #philosophy #religion #science #wisdom

Some days life just wasn't worth the trouble of chewing through the leather straps on the straitjacket. ↗

— Katie Maxwell

#humor #humor