#h

Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes! ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#humor #funny

I want to be a cowboy, but only long enough to barge into a saloon and bellow, "Who's the yellowbelly that stole my happy trail? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cowboy #funny #happy-trail #humor #saloon

[Thou] mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms! ↗

— William Shakespeare

#henry-iv #shakespeare #funny

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #language #funny

I'm fine. Well, I'm not fine - I'm here." "Is there something wrong with that?" "Absolutely. ↗

— Ned Vizzini

#sadness #suicide #therapy #funny

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that. ↗

— Ellen DeGeneres

#godmothers #humor #lol #funny

I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #loser #truism #funny

I have always loved camping, ever since I was eight, and was forcibly stuffed in a trunk and dropped off in the middle of the forest. My dad was a complex man, but I believe he was trying to show me the value of camping. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dad #funny #hilarious #humor #kidnapping

I’m a Pisces, and people say that Pisces make the best the best lovers. That’s because Pisces are fish, and it’s like my grandpa always used to say, “The next best thing to making love to a mermaid, is having sex with a fish. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #lovers #mermaid #pisces #funny

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell. ↗

— Criss Jami

#funny-but-true #hell #humor #introversion #introvert